Hi all...or probably no one in this empty space again. I'm back after like 2 years. So made a big decision in my life. I left the force last year August and started on my further studies, university study. Was a big life chasing moment. I gave up my good paying job , going out empty handed and concentrate fully on studies. I told myself whatever happen i will make it thru...so far it's the second semester and I feel I'm getting the hang of it..but still much more to learn and experience I went on a 1 month holiday last December , I mean last last December 2014. To give myself some time and space alone to think about what I want to do with my life after I left the force and study and graduate. A lot thoughts came thru, like what I have achieve so far in my life, how much more I still do not know about myself and how much more I could explore this world. Those days, I thought I really never had any friends. I lost the basic touch of human interaction that everyone needed..day in and out I was all alone..everything was so routined and fixed. I began to question myself what is my purpose here. Sure I have parental and family love. But humans still need soulmate or someone to look forward to everyday. Friends companions, I feel all have drifted away from me and I'm left all alone in the small island. I feel depressed everyday thinking about what's going to happen in the end. I tried to distract myself from all this madness by listening to oasis. It helped alot but only for that moment I'm free Back to the topic on my holiday, Lets talk about the good stuff that happened. I learnt how to travel and navigate alone in Korea and Japan alone. Korea is pretty easy to navigate in Seoul, except for jeju and gyeongju as they are not as big as Seoul. I managed to use the Korean language I learnt over the 2 years, which is pretty awesome as I mange to speak listen and understand the locals on what they are trying to say. pretty amazing to speak and understand a different language thousand miles away from home. I learnt how to snowboard alone without the lessons. Simply watched how they stand up and do the heel edge and toe edge thingy, plus some help from YouTube, I manage to enjoy myself 3 days in the ski resort. I did a lot of praying in Korea and Japan, kinda feeling peace when I did that . And also I finally experience snow for the first time. Fucking amazing. It was really magical as it was Christmas period that time and Christmas songs were all playing on the street, and it just started to snow heavily. I still can picture that scene in my head with the songs and snow. So for the not so good stuff that happen. I got lost a few times. Luckily I was lost until couldn't get my way back. With help from locals I managed to find my way.japan was the time where I got lost the most as their train track were quite confusing and they have so many train services with each train stopping at different stops. I got food poisoned in jeju. Vomitted and shitted the whole day and my plan for that day was canceled. I was lucky to make it back down the mountain and drive back to my hotel in one piece. It was really bad. Soo yea I think these are the major bad stuff that happened. for the recent bad stuff, I broke my elbow bone last December 2015. I went back Korea to snowboard again, wanting to master the skill of switching sides. But at the very last moment when I was going to call it a day, I fell down whiles turning and flip 3 times on the ground breaking my elbow . Kinda painful at first. Sent to the hospital and the bill cost a bomb. And the worst part is I have to spend the next 4 days resting not able to go out enjoy the cold and do some sightseeing. Lesson learnt always buy travel insurance when doing extreme sports overseas. Shall buy it this year end Seems like writing out my thoughts here again made me forget what I actually want to blog in the first place. I'm just too lonely and really needed someone to talk to. I starting to think humans are delusional in someway. Everyone here has a purpose. Either u have some value for someone else you are outta their lifes for good, and back again if u have some value again someday. This has happen a lot time to me and I feel really depressed and slowly losing faith in everyone. I always try to be the generous and giving as I feel that they deserve it. But after time just made me realized how much a fool I look like and I tried to stop being me but still I always gave way for myself. I have slowly began to lose the technique on even how to hold basic conversation with people , and interacting with people, because of all the fear and images showing up in my head. I don't even dare to speak with someone who I liked a lot anymore. Knowing that I will get hit hard and rejected straight in the face and tell me to fuck off. I'm really afraid that i will live and die alone in this world without my spouse to spend the rest of my life with. I had so many things I want to do with my future wife and I really do not want to burst that bubble so soon. I think whatever happens , I cannot give a conclusion to my life yet, since I'm still young, or not so young at a age of 25. I mean I haven got girlfriend ever. Never experience that love. I'm sure I'm gonna lose out in some way without experience. Girls have expectation and standards they will look out for and I do not have either. I feel no one is able to hear me and understand me. I don't really believe in God Jesus or whatever God no offense to whatever religion here, but I believe in one's actions and thought are always being watched by a higher power or entity. Maybe some form of maker or some power that has the ability to change things without be noticed. I hoped it will all work out for me soon. Be it relation or job studies. I know every post here is real depressing, and I'm sorry to make every post like this. It's my thoughts from inside which are unable to get across in the real world. Thanks for popping by again and I hope you are doing fine.