tml will be a better day.

some things made me realise i should appreciate that I'm still breathing
its gonna be hard to resist now
but if i could pull thru at least 6 months
or lets just say set a target of 6 months
i think i can slowly forget it
and focus on better things in life

at the very least now
I'm still able to start now
i hope its not too late

please forgive yourself by
stop being so hard on yourself
you only needed a longer time to realise

stop comparing yourself with others
focus on your love ones
do your job and go home on time
its okay not to have a job that you want
maybe it was never meant to be
money can always be earned back
but always remember to save for the future

so updates guys today is the last day of 2016. time really flies when you dont keep track of it. i know its very cliche to do this kind of updates everytime on the last day of the year, but still this is just for me to keep my own achievements and memories in this space and anyone who will have an interest in reading them. sooo yea

to me 2016 has rather been a challenging year for me. mainly because i am out of job and studying full time. i know it is a dumb move to quit a decent paying job and go for studies, but as i mentioned before, i feel rsaf isnt really the right job for me and i cant see myself where i will be in the next 10 years. i know right now i still cant see what i want in the next 5 years, as in graduating and working a proper job. still i believe it is a right move to leave the rsaf and pursue my studies and in the process find what i truly want to do in the future. hence, as of now i sort of can see myself working either in government sector or private sector when i graduate, probably media relations, journalist or marcom excutive for a particular organization which i have interest in.  i am going to graduate in 2017 aug, if everything goes well. 2 more trimesters to be exact. next semester is going to be a tough one, just like this semester, i just hope i have the strength to pull through and graduate. next semester is probably the biggest highlight of the entire course because im taking campaign manangement and i heard it is very challenging and demanding but fun and exciting. i hope i can be more proactive and open to new people and missions and be a better person overall.

throughout 2016, i have been struggling with finances, mainly because i dont have a job. but i cant complain or blame anyone but myself as this is the road i chose. im barely surviving with what i have left and have been scrimping alot..i mean alot..maybe this is because why my weight has dropped alot this year, i dont know. i found myself eating lesser than i use to eat. so i hope im able to gain some back in 2017. also i think the money issue will be solved once i graduate and get a proper job in 2017. so money issue is done.

i failed my ippt in 2016.. lol. and still have yet to attend any rt sessions. so i must really attend those rt session before my birthday. i dont want to get charged lol.. i cant find any motivation to exercise anymore. can anyone help me? nah.. no one would i guess..gonna start my body pumping next year

i didnt really have any love encounter in 2016 again. sad to say but love cannot be forced. sometimes i really wonder what does it takes to make 2 people come together. we humans are so superficial and always judge people when we see them. what does it takes to make 2 people accept each others flaws and live with each other. the laws of attraction is really intriguing and sometimes i feel i have no control over it. people may say im a pussy for not making the first move or what so ever, i just feel i dont have what it takes and im always out of her league. they say i shouldnt think so lowly of myself, but the truth is i am that weak and useless. i just hope i have the courage and guts to go for what i love and want.

ok i guess that enough of this post. i hope everyone have a great new years eve celebration later on, and also have a happy and healthy 2017. thats it

so im back after 8 months

nothing has changed much, except the fact that i need to face financial pressure and stress almost everyday, plus stress from school. but this is the path i have chose and i have to face it. whatever comes in the future, i will just need to deal with it, be it good or bad.

after reading all the posts from this blog, i realized so many things i could have done better in the past. bad relationships and choices. we cannot go back in time to change history and can only live with our sins and mistakes, and hopefully will change for the better by forgiving ourselves in time. i cant say for sure i have forgave and changed myself, but i know that i  will be more tactful in handling relationships and making the most appropriate decision in my life

right now, i just want to spend more time with my parents and also find a life partner to complete my life. studies wise, i hope to graduate by next year august, and find a decent job that i like and able to feed my family. its gonna take 2 years or more, but i hope i can achieve it by then. although i will lose out alot to my peers, eg some of them are already married with childrens now, working and earning big bucks, i think as long i have the willpower to press on and bite the bullet, with support of love one and gf/wife, i think i will still make it.

Hi all...or probably no one in this empty space again. I'm back after like 2 years. So made a big decision in my life. I left the force last year August and started on my further studies, university study. Was a big life chasing moment. I gave up my good paying job , going out empty handed and concentrate fully on studies. I told myself whatever happen i will make it thru...so far it's the second semester and I feel I'm getting the hang of it..but still much more to learn and experience I went on a 1 month holiday last December , I mean last last December 2014. To give myself some time and space alone to think about what I want to do with my life after I left the force and study and graduate. A lot thoughts came thru, like what I have achieve so far in my life, how much more I still do not know about myself and how much more I could explore this world. Those days, I thought I really never had any friends. I lost the basic touch of human interaction that everyone needed..day in and out I was all alone..everything was so routined and fixed. I began to question myself what is my purpose here. Sure I have parental and family love. But humans still need soulmate or someone to look forward to everyday. Friends companions, I feel all have drifted away from me and I'm left all alone in the small island. I feel depressed everyday thinking about what's going to happen in the end. I tried to distract myself from all this madness by listening to oasis. It helped alot but only for that moment I'm free Back to the topic on my holiday, Lets talk about the good stuff that happened. I learnt how to travel and navigate alone in Korea and Japan alone. Korea is pretty easy to navigate in Seoul, except for jeju and gyeongju as they are not as big as Seoul. I managed to use the Korean language I learnt over the 2 years, which is pretty awesome as I mange to speak listen and understand the locals on what they are trying to say. pretty amazing to speak and understand a different language thousand miles away from home. I learnt how to snowboard alone without the lessons. Simply watched how they stand up and do the heel edge and toe edge thingy, plus some help from YouTube, I manage to enjoy myself 3 days in the ski resort. I did a lot of praying in Korea and Japan, kinda feeling peace when I did that . And also I finally experience snow for the first time. Fucking amazing. It was really magical as it was Christmas period that time and Christmas songs were all playing on the street, and it just started to snow heavily. I still can picture that scene in my head with the songs and snow. So for the not so good stuff that happen. I got lost a few times. Luckily I was lost until couldn't get my way back. With help from locals I managed to find my way.japan was the time where I got lost the most as their train track were quite confusing and they have so many train services with each train stopping at different stops. I got food poisoned in jeju. Vomitted and shitted the whole day and my plan for that day was canceled. I was lucky to make it back down the mountain and drive back to my hotel in one piece. It was really bad. Soo yea I think these are the major bad stuff that happened. for the recent bad stuff, I broke my elbow bone last December 2015. I went back Korea to snowboard again, wanting to master the skill of switching sides. But at the very last moment when I was going to call it a day, I fell down whiles turning and flip 3 times on the ground breaking my elbow . Kinda painful at first. Sent to the hospital and the bill cost a bomb. And the worst part is I have to spend the next 4 days resting not able to go out enjoy the cold and do some sightseeing. Lesson learnt always buy travel insurance when doing extreme sports overseas. Shall buy it this year end Seems like writing out my thoughts here again made me forget what I actually want to blog in the first place. I'm just too lonely and really needed someone to talk to. I starting to think humans are delusional in someway. Everyone here has a purpose. Either u have some value for someone else you are outta their lifes for good, and back again if u have some value again someday. This has happen a lot time to me and I feel really depressed and slowly losing faith in everyone. I always try to be the generous and giving as I feel that they deserve it. But after time just made me realized how much a fool I look like and I tried to stop being me but still I always gave way for myself. I have slowly began to lose the technique on even how to hold basic conversation with people , and interacting with people, because of all the fear and images showing up in my head. I don't even dare to speak with someone who I liked a lot anymore. Knowing that I will get hit hard and rejected straight in the face and tell me to fuck off. I'm really afraid that i will live and die alone in this world without my spouse to spend the rest of my life with. I had so many things I want to do with my future wife and I really do not want to burst that bubble so soon. I think whatever happens , I cannot give a conclusion to my life yet, since I'm still young, or not so young at a age of 25. I mean I haven got girlfriend ever. Never experience that love. I'm sure I'm gonna lose out in some way without experience. Girls have expectation and standards they will look out for and I do not have either. I feel no one is able to hear me and understand me. I don't really believe in God Jesus or whatever God no offense to whatever religion here, but I believe in one's actions and thought are always being watched by a higher power or entity. Maybe some form of maker or some power that has the ability to change things without be noticed. I hoped it will all work out for me soon. Be it relation or job studies. I know every post here is real depressing, and I'm sorry to make every post like this. It's my thoughts from inside which are unable to get across in the real world. Thanks for popping by again and I hope you are doing fine.

So its may now...im planning something for myself for my birthday in august...zz got osa on my birthday...so many years in the force I never really truly celebrate my own birthday...I seriously hope this year will be different... I think we humans are really disgusting...we already have so much more that we could ask for...why still want more when so many others are still much worse than use...what buy hdb...Make money buy playing stocks or thru mlm when u are already having a pay like 3k? I dunno what to say man..even myself... I just want a break from everyone and everything...

i think its not easy to stay on to the same conviction after so many years..do u agree? haiiz why do i have to go thru this thinking process thinking of my past and worry about now and the future...i think im a perfectionist lol..cant accept my past... but whatever...i think my mind is set...at least for now...what is foresee is going to happen to me from 2015 onwards,i think its a fresh, rather late start for me i guess. i wanna see the outside world, i wanna feel warmth from new people, i wanna learn how to interact with new people, i wanna do good to others in whatever means i can. in this organisation now, yes, i have learnt alot of soft skills nevertheless, how to handle people, how to talk to people, and i know the outside world is somehow the same as this. people might laugh if im leaving such a "ironricebowl" job..but to be honest...i must say i did not found my passion or rather the job has not gave me a sense of fulfilment yet...it true that these few years i learnt not only how to defend my country, and indeed i understand that the threat of terrorist, war, just to name a few, remains real...we can all see the news these few weeks, and there is definitely a need to have an armed forces to deter aggression. i also learnt how different people from all ways of life worked together, i remember one of my instructor told me, this organisation is like macdoanlds, any tom dick harry john can come together and make the business run smoothly...same goes to this organisation loll..im really appreciative of all those who helped me along the way, thru bmt, scs, aftc,unit. i think it taught me to be more responsible for what is in my hands, and end of the day, you are the only one who can answer for why the results is like that. hard truth but thats where we learn and grown to be better yea? well this is not my final speech and dont take it to heart hahaha...im just feeling moody cos of all the happenings these fews months and made me wonder what is my purpose here...this qns is very very subjective..i still cant find an answer now...is it to make more money? is it to go thru motion? is it to get a degree and find a job? is it to make other peoples life better? i dunno...but all the happenings right now made me feel that we should do make other people lifes better, more like giving back to the society...i dunno how true this statement is as im not really a "good" person either. i admit i have done countless "bad" things..i just wanna be a normal human to have fun, to love, to feel... hoping for things to happen wont help loll...but i still hope someone will give me help, or some guidance, better still one embracing hug or hold my hand and comfort me..all my years, im starting to feel lonely, not as lonely in the past but much like a feeling of emptiness, whats still missing even though i forgave myself... whatever this post is trying to say..pls dont take it to heart...but yeah..think no one will pop by here again..right now..im want to find a new purpose in my life...

evening all..this space has yet rotten up again haha lets see..what has happen in 2013 and the first qurater for 2014.. last year was quite a challenge for me..be it work life relationship...i remembered i failed my ippt twice before i pass on the third time..wtf because of situp hahaha. somehow got some problems with that station..back cannot bend..but nevertheless..i managed to get a silver in the end.. work was manageable last year...although i did some stupid things like writing meeting minutes for 21 days lol...my boss chase me until he bo wei gong...i guess i have much to learn..but im super super grateful to have a super understanding boss..i promise i will not take him for granted anymore.. managed to finish one of our sqn key project..im grateful my co and my other bosses gave me this chance to showcase myself to comd adg..it was quite an achievement for me and im thankful for that... and about life..hell yea...i think i travel thrice last year lol....taiwan on apr..korea on may..taiwan again on oct....did spent alot on those trips and was an eyeopener for me..how diff their country was from ours..like culture, ways of living, and weather..i think it trigger something in me to travel solo this year end.. my relationship with friends wasnt that good...i think i compromise my friendship with others as im too self center and didnt thought about others feelings..i was having trouble and my feelings affected others..some point of time last year, i push myself away from most of my friends..i wanted to be alone...i can only concentrate on one thing..too much things and i end up feeling frustrated..up to now im still having this feeling and i wanna find a way out... went to thailand from end feb to end mar this year for exericse...i learnt quite alot...how overseas deployment is very diff from home..how we integrated with other forces and achieve mission succes...also quite a sight..get to see other countries weapon systems and radar...but 1 month away from home is abit too long...somehow i feel homesick near to the end of the last week in thailand...feeling homesick is really no joke..u never know its coming until it hits u well..now is already april..im planning something big for myself end of this year and next year...just hope everything goes according to plan..im ready for it and i do whatever i can to get it...but i need a little bit of help here

hi guys..im back again.. so updatess..yea..driving course has ended last month 20th..overall i think im a better driver after that course because when i drive the big 5 ton and i drive my own vehicle...like no kick like that lol...okie..but i have to say we must drive safely and not endanger the lifes of other road users and pedestrains.. so..my life is still plain plain..but somehow..i slowly begin to see what i want..its like i can see a light after being stuck in a cave for so long...but i fear that i might be thrown back to darkness again..i dont want that..point is i dont really trust anyone sometimes i wonder is it really that hard to be truthful to someone? although we are just normal friends, close friends. i can feel some of my friends are not being truthful to me. not truthful as in hiding things behind my back. im not going to pursue it but i just dont understand why they want to do this. what have i done to deserve this? i hate to tell lies and i really do not like the feeling of being lied/badmouthed. i feel theres no point hiding things like that..although i know you might say its for my own good...but still it wont help right? i really feeling lonely this few months although i go out enjoy life with my friends and all..i feeling empty..feeling all sad and alone when im in my room..i know lifes problem probably wont have an answer to it..unlike maths qns...ill guess i will have to suffer for quite some time again.. okie..i think thats all..this place is a place to pour all my thoughts..since theres no one for me..okie good night my friends

hi guys im back after a looooooong time lol. so updates ya..on 19/07/2012..i passed my TP haha! so happy that day..guess everything went well for me.. also my course in AFTC ended at 18 May..so back to unit after that..but now im on course AGAIN lol..driving course..military class 4..yea..those big trucks..5tonner.. hmm..and also i got enrolled into unisim..school starting next year january..dunno i can cope anot..daytime in camp/tekong..nighttime clementi@ unisim...chiong here and there..still got in camp commitment plus school work..lets hope for the best for me alrite? guess im really getting old..time pass like a blink of the eye..i was childish yesterday..i feel i had to do something about my life and i did it and had no regrets..life is full of surprises eh? just have to learn to accept it and live with it... and ya..to those who are going to ORD on 13 sept this thursday..all the best to you in your future..those who going uni studying all the best hope u can find ur way back after rotting for 2 years...those who going to work first all the best to you hope ur new boss is better than the current one..those who wanna relax eat shit play everyday all the best...after all u all deserve a LOOOONG break..thanks for being a part of me yea thats all for now..see ya soon

ok updates guys..been 2 months since i last updated?!

life in AFTC as per normal..driving lessons..yes man..for the month of feb and march..i have been chionging lesson..cleared module 2 already..only left module 3 which is parking then off to TP..but the sad things is i failed my FTT which dragged my TP date to at least june or july..sad man...must pass my FTT on 25/05/12 again..if not cant get my liscense.

and placing for uni..i think i have been rejected..didnt hear anything from ntu or nus..fuck up..they should have just drop me a mail to say im not eligible..oh well try again next year..zz

april is here and ippt window has open again..hope i can maintain my silver and get 100bucks!!

so finally a new year..new start i guess..alot has changed..donno for better or worse..2011 has been..a turning point..looking back all the shit i gone thru..actually im quite proud to say been thru done with it..

summarry of 2011..new phase of regular life..jan to march was a chiongsua period as infantry trainee..quite an experience..march to june was a long wait for another chiongsua course to start..during this period i had a good long break..made some new friends..met her after so long..june to end of september was chiongsua again..that period was mentally shag as my encik always say "when u all pass out, whether ur gf family can sleep peacefully at night depends on you"..true to say..this is my job no one else want to do..i know alot people look down on me..but i advise you not to do so cos we are all the same..soo after that till end of 2011...im in my parent unit chongpang camp in yishun doing ops and keeping you guys safe..

right now im being posted to PLAB for another course till end of may..so maybe its another time to take a break from unit..stayout :D

so new year resolutions..been thinking quite awhile pardon me..

-driving liscene by june(8 lessons so far..)

-get a placing in a local uni( should have done that last year but miss it..hope to get into one)

-hit at least 22k saving this year

-revamp my room ( been thinking to buy a projector and table to facilitate my ps3 and gaming pc)

-own vehicle ( not likely possible depends on where my daily duty will be at)

-travelling to another country ( been on my list since last year,thinking of organising a solo trip to X country this year..depends anyone want to join me + if time allows)

-her ( long story cut short, last year there was her, almost got together but suddenly break.nevertheless thank you. i will find a better one and hope the same for u too)

talking about "her" i think i have a thing for malaysian girls..not to say..last year..donno what made me crazy..i express my interest to 2 girls and would like to be friends with them..ok this is crazy i know..1st girl failed instantly..2nd girl just recently only..but broke my heart when she told me she has a bf and sounded not interested..well normally in sg ppl dont do these very often? i donno..strangely both of them are malaysians so ya...

so i have been quite lonely other than gbc to accompany me for the weekends..my life has been dull since i enlist..im 21..going 22 this year..quite a old man already..still much to learn and never experience those puppy love like u see in movie or outside..even my friends in army who have gf outside are also having problem with their gf..not to say being a regular..guess its very hard to find a girl who understands ur situation but still is supportive of you despite the fact that both meet up very irregularly...i think the most suitable girl for me now is the one who can change me, my attitude. but i think its gonna be very hard given the fact im in SAF.

so to sum up..i thank u to spend time poping by once in a while, hoping i will post something..
to my all my friends - hope u are doing fine out in the working/studying world..dont belittle of urself, u are better than u think...hopefully 10years down the road if u get married must invite me ah!

all i want for christmas is you

you know what? i dreamt of you that we were together last night

soo..finally another update after so long..

upades..pass out as 3SG le..more shit coming up..suppose to go back AFTC on 24 Oct for technical course...but dunno somehow..push back to jan..so lanlan stuck in 160sqn till jan..and ALOT shit has happen recently..

its not hate..is i feel the way people are mistreating me..im fragile pls..always talk so big when nothing happen...but when shit happens..first one to gabraa is you..

yea..i feel this 21 years of my life has been a normal one..fucking normal till im sick of it..i know no one can make a change except me..but at least give me some encouragement pls..if you are out to make life difficult for me..pls die far far..

im a slow bloomer i know..i learn things much slower so pls bear with me..cant take it just f off..i can slowly learn myself..

talk so much also no use..no one will see this..this blog going to die la..bye bye boys and girls

soo..the time has come..2 weeks of assessment...im so gonna be shag out this 2 weeks..might as well blog now...after that 2 weeks..hopefully i pass out as a 3sgt

i failed my FTT!! argh..blame it on me cos i didnt study...no time really..10 qns wrong lei..how how..cui ah..

so..nothing much..book in 6pm tonight...sibei sians..

so training in chongpang isnt that really bad..if u keep whining..why not accept the fact and face it like a man..

hmm..updates..physically i think i have improved but running wise can be better...always on the verge of giving up when running 2.4km 6 rounds stadium..it suckss...

long weekend going to be over soon..then pre-summex and summex then graduation..cant wait for that...its on a weekday 26th sept around noon like that..those who are interested can let me know..i see what i can do to indent a seat for you!

i feel ambigious...is it suppose to feel like that? i need a concrete answer..

started training in chongpang camp..bunk at lvl 6..no vending machine..cannot go mess..canoot go canteen..bunk 8 ppl only 2 fan..everyday must climb up and down 6 lvls..good training bitches!!

so far i can say training is not really tough..i think tough part will be the theory shit cos its alot from what i see from the manuels..dam..cant wait to pass out and leave this place man..i miss aftc bunk lol...

so ya..happy national day..its a short week this week because of ndp...sometimes how strong a country is not only depends on the military forces behind it..i feel it also got to do with the people..how patrotic u are..that u love your homeland despite all this shit going on if u know what i mean..but sadly i dont see this in any one of you..

and..i really admire those gf who will spend time with the bf on time pass out parade..such girls are really dam sweet..i mean like you been thru so much shit and hell and the day u pass out she is there to tell you she proud of you you went thru so much...abit sad for me ehh

ok..tonight gonna book in..hope this week is a fruitful one..and hope to see u this weekend

due to some reason..we still had one more week in AFTC..so tonight is gonna be the last night in AFTC..gonna miss the fun the slackness the massorgy in recreation room lol..going to chongpang tml..start of weapon term..

turning 21 next month...think its goin to be another bday like that..still considering want to open chalet not...so many things to do..lazy..but i want to meet all my friends..how how how...

this blogg like rotting alr eh..aiya..dunno dun care la

2 weeks yes..and i miss you

finally last week was over...so tiring last week because of exam ippt and airtime...but im glad i learn something last week..

this week will be the last week in aftc...gonna miss the slackness here when i go to chomppang...hope the weapon phase will be a good one...

bored bored so bored...sunday so bored

1 week has past like that...as ususal..life in aftc was not that bad..and ah soon has come to aftc too!! his bunk is just above mine! soo cool rightS?

whats is this feeling...so strange, sweet, makes me want more...i miss you :(